Second Hand Pain

I'm tired of writing about how much this hurts.

But this blogg only gets attention when I can't get anyone else's attention, when I can't hold it in any more. And by it I mean sadness and pain.

Happiness is not something you have to hold in. When your happy, for what ever reason, you can shout about it, share it, revel in it, and people praise you for doing so. When it hurts no one wants to hear about it especially if your pain stems from what is perceived to be your own ill choices. If your happy from your own ill choices people smile and say good for you. No one reprimand you for ill found joy.

I find myself in a very unexpected pain today. It's the pain of a woman I have never met yet I feel I know strangely well. My lovers wife.

My lovers wife is ill. She is going through something I would never in a million years wish on any other woman. And as I sit here silently begging the universe to undo this horrible disease, I am overwhelmed by the guilt I feel for daring to care about her wellbeing. I have loved the man who promised himself to her only, I have wished upon every new moon that some how he and I could be happy together forever, and now I sit here wishing with every fiber of body that she be well again.

I don't think that my wishes have given her this disease. But I do feel overwhelming guilt. I not exactly sure over what. I don't feel guilty at having taken what she no longer valued. I don't feel guilty about being healthy when she is not. I guess I just never felt that achieving my happiness would cause her pain. I have never wish her pain.

But she is in pain. I can feel it though the bonds that tie her to him, then him to me. I know I have no right to, but I will continue to wish her health, love and happiness.