Time is moving on quickly here in Chile. Things I had planned have been done and more things will be done soon. I'm enjoying this all thoroughly now, no longer lost and disoriented like when I first got here.
One thing I AM still struggling with is my lover left behind. Not only left behind in the physical sense that he's still in Australia, but also left behind in the I don't want to be his mistress anymore. I'm tired of JUST being a lover, I want to be a partner as well and this is where it starts to get complicated.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say. Will it make the heart so fond that he will choose to be with me, despite the obvious obstacles? How long will he ask me to wait for him? Have I waited long enough? No one is denying that it's a big call - leave the life you have to be with someone who loves you but is many years your junior. Someone who loves you now but what if you can't give her children or if you become a drooling geriatric in the corner in five years time and she resents you? Big questions I know.
And what about me? Do I really want a man who finds it so hard to choose to be with me? Do I really want a man who has to think twice about raising children with me that might not be his own blood? Maybe he's right and I'm wrong - it would never work out, best to give up now and settle for a life without each other, no matter how much we are in love? Maybe I should do what he says and try to find someone my own age, someone who's biologically more compatible?
I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like my heart is on the line and I'm waiting to see if my offering will be accepted or if it will be turned away, sent back as unworthy.
All the beautiful things I'm seeing and all the adventures I'm having are blurred with tears. I'm trying to stop them flowing, trying to bring myself into the moment I'm living. But some days are harder than others.
Today is a difficult day.
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4 comments:
I wish there where words that would comfort you but we both know that they don’t exist. You are only ever unworthy if you allow your self to live in a way that is untrue to you. Are you worthy to have what you deserve? are you looking for what you want? do you know what that is? I believe that you know what you want and are worthy of it, and i think you know what to do.
Sending cyber hugs to ya!
RedSonya
Hey totaly off subject :)
how about getting some spare parts form my motorbike!? :P
take it easy love
love you heaps whatever you do
Bear
oh honey - its all your choice. you are not unworthy unless you choose to be! if you want a man to settle down with and raise kids than you shall have to choose to do that.
focus your energy on what you want rather than focusing on what you do not have.
your current situation is your choice and has always been but sometimes choices are hard to make and then to stand by.
you know that all that love you will stand by you no matter what choices you make....
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