Some mornings are better than others

So tour guiding can be a great job. You're out and about all day, your clients are in happy holiday mode, there's no office politics, you get free lunches (no, really) - all in all it's pretty hard to complain. Every now and then though, you get one of those days. One of those days that you just have to take a deep breath over and repeat to your self, "this too will pass". Thankfully it's not usually about the day, just the pick ups in the morning.

I had two of those days last weekend. Let me tell you about one of them.

Saturday's manifest looked like it was going to be an easy run. Three pick ups and the first one wasn't till 7:50am - sweet, sleep in! But as I'm getting my gear together the night before I get a message saying there is one more to get at from the Grace hotel. Easy. Still get a sleep in.

Saturday morning begins with a really bad choice in ring tone. I stuffed up the music on my phone recently and it changed the song I had set to wake me. Starting the day with "Somewhere over the Rainbow" always makes the day just a little bit sunnier. But no, today my day starts with Duffy chanting "Yeah Yeah Yeah" in an all too chirpy, loud, repetitive voice, telling me about some dude who has her begging him for mercy. Oh god, that so has to be snoozed into silence.

Apparently I did that one too many times because all of a sudden my eyes catch the reflection of the sun on my watch and I realise I need to be out the door in 7minutes and I still smell like "business time" from the night before and I have no idea where my work shirt is. Thank god for make up removing wipes (they tingle a little down there but smell great) and for years of wearing black clothing which has accustomed my eyes to finding the right black t shirt in an ocean of black clothes. I get to the depot on time.

Actually I get to the depot early but that's fine, I'm just going to sing my little song, put on some lippy and see what the city has in store. Well I guess I may have been a little to into my song because right about where I hit the chorus I see this little boy waving at me as I drive past. I thought, "well isn't that sweet" and waved back just in time to remember, my first pick up had a little boy and it was on this street just a little further.... or actually, no, in fact, that was my little boy and his mummy and daddy standing with him wondering why I didn't stop. Shit. Time to go round the block and get them. But Sydney is not designed to go back. Like the kangaroo and the emu, Sydney streets can only go forwards - onwards and upwards! So 15 minutes later I've gone back the 10 meters I had to reverse to pick up the first passengers. A lovely coupe who I've been emailing with who are travelling with their 2 year old and 8 month old from Sweden via Singapore and whom I've told repeatedly that although we don't charge for babies on the tours, we also don't have room for prams. They have a MASSIVE Jeep $3000+ pram with them and the first thing they say as I open the doors is, "We have a pram!". No shit.

I could have played hard ball. I could have smiled sweetly and through gritted teeth told them it was me they had been emailing so don't play ignorant and take the bloody Jeep back up to the hotel room, but that preppy little Duffy was still begging me for mercy in my head and I was in a good mood so I though, fuck it, there's only 18 passengers on a 20 seater bus - hop on in with your massive overpriced baby accessory. Big mistake.

Unknowing that the day was about to turn to shit I happily cruise on over to the next pick up. Client's not there, check the other entrance. Client still not there but now there are cops behind me and nowhere legal to park so go around the block to the first entrance. Jump out, tell the punters to sit tight and I head on over to the concierge desk. There's no answer in his room, no sign of him in the lobby or around the hotel but he booked last night so he surely couldn't have changed his mind so soon? Running a little late now so tell the boss the bad news and head off to pick up number 3.

The usual traffic shitfight to get into Circular Quay but I'm only 3 minutes late as I pull up to the stop. A girl and a guy greet me, but when I ask if the other 12 member of the party are running late they tell me the others are just getting their brekky at Maccas. NO! No no no, no freaking way am I going to have the sweet smell of greasy hash browns and bacon and egg muffins wafting up at me for the next 2 and a half hours as I try desperately to stick to my diet of sultanas and dried chick peas! They are unimpressed. So am I, and I have the microphone so I win. Get over it.

I'm about to put on my happy face and start the mornings commentary when the boss rings. Have we found our lost friend from this morning? No, but we have found 2 more passengers that booked last night and the call centre didn't tell us about. Go get 'em!

I don't know the hotel but I know the street, so we purposefully trawl down the street until two smiling little faces tell me I found them. Get in!

Ok, now we're ready to go, but wait, that would be the boss calling again. We found our little friend from this morning standing on the corner 5 blocks from his hotel wondering where the hell his tour is. And of course, it's 5 blocks down the other end of town and from where I am that means about 12 blocks in one direction then double back to be able to get him. I'm now 10 min late, and still not close to leaving the city.

I opt for a short cut that is longer in distance but should cut out some long traffic lights but have only just committed to the route before I remember the construction happening on that road. Too late to do anything about it now so just grit your teeth and bear it. I finally find him, he's pissed off at being up early just to stand on a lonely street corner and then watch as we drive past his hotel again.

I'm now 40 minutes late getting out of the city and have 20 passengers, a baby and a pram on a tour that is not supposed to have more than 19 passengers and space for wine. Not a great start. Although I was truly grateful when I spoke to the boss later that day and was told she thought it best not to even tell me about the call she got 5 minutes later from ANOTHER passenger that had booked last night and we weren't told about.

The Good Life

Someone said to me the other day that when you're with the person you're meant to be with, everything else seems simple.



I am so indescribably happy. It's like happy is not a big enough word for how good my heart sings, and the constant fluttering of joy in my belly, the way I'm constantly catching myself holding my breath, wondering wow, is this really happening?

We've set up home in a tiny little apartment in the south of Newtown. It's wonderful. Not only do I get to wake up in my lovers arms every morning, not only do we get to share little cups of tea all day long as we work from our desk, but I'm home in my old neighbourhood that I love so much.

Life is very very good.

I sometimes catch myself getting worried - something this wonderful, surely this can't last, (although we'll try our damnedest to make it). There are still things that are difficult - he misses his boys and I share his pain over that - but we have each other and that is worth so so much.

I don't don't believe I've ever been this happy.

The Wind Changed

Sydney in December is full of hot sultry days that bear down on you with the intense weight of megalitres of water suspended in the air, just waiting to turn oppressive humidity into bucketing rain in a wisp of a breeze.

The pressure builds up headaches, grumpiness, discomfort, intollerance, impatience, tears, sadness, loneliness..... or something like that.

You don't always see the change coming. Sometimes the rain catches you by surprise and all of a sudden you find yourself in the pouring rain dashing in any direction to get out of it.

But sometimes you stop. Sometimes you feel the big round pellets of water slapping you on the face and realise the rain is not to be feared and cursed, its' warm and comforting and it's washing way all the bad you've been feeling. Sometimes you take a deep breath and smile when you realise that maybe this was not what you had planned, but that's ok. It will all be ok after all.




He made me cry. He broke my heart and walked away and made me feel so unbearably sad that I couldn't even say his name. Then one night the wind changed. He chased me down the street, called out my name and begged for another chance. I didn't want to hear that. I felt like after all the pain he had just put me through, now he was just going to hurt me some more with a different kind of torture - hope. But I stopped and against my own instincts that tell you to run from pain I stood and I listened. And I found that I did still love him and I did want this hope. This was not what I had planned but maybe it would all be ok after all.

In 6 days we collect the keys to our new home. It's been a long time since I called a place home, other than my mum's place. There are still some difficult steps to get through, but we always new it wouldn't be easy.

It's more than just "being in love". "Being in love" a feeling that comes and goes and wanes with time. What we have is more than that. I love him and he loves me. We're going to remember that and every day take care to nurture our love and build our home.

I'm so excited to start building own my family. And hopefully some day watch it grow.

Silliness

Who would have thought there is so much garlic butter in Japanese cooking? Or that breast can be used to catch raw eggs?

Did you know soup pot's will keep cool even when filled with puke? And veranda roofs look beautiful as you heave a night's worth of tequila down on to them form two floors up.

Guitar Hero is indeed the coolest game ever - maybe because it really does keep you rocking all night long. The best natural upper I've felt in years.

Friends who elope, old friends who flatter you, friends with hot son's who pimp them out to you. Enormous pots of guacamole, turkish toast with butter, late night coffee, dinner at Soul, house parties, cups of tea with your mum, quoting lines from Pulp Fiction, cafe breakfast that lasts for hours and hours and hours.

This has not been the birthday month I would have chosen, but November has been a good month. I'm surrounded by wonderful people who have made me think, made me laugh, and let me cry. I miss my man every day - but I am eternally grateful for those I have around me.

And I Love Him

The only way I can deal with what my man and I are going through right now is to expect the worst. To hold hopes that all will be well and then have them crushed would be more than I could bear. So the distress that the uncertainty I've been living with has brought has been coupled with sorrow for a lover I expect to loose.

When you're feeling sad - really really sad - sometimes it's easy to loose sight of everything other than the sadness. You can get lost in a mist of whirling tears that leave you disoriented and blind to the other things that are important. Important things like the fact that at the end of the day, what you really really want is for the person you love to be happy.

Yes, I want the person I love to be happy with me, but that's secondary to the fact that I just want him to be happy. And maybe that means that I won't get what I want. Maybe that means I'll get hurt. And if that happens I will be very sad. But I was reminded this week that amidst the pain and sadness of loosing someone (or even just living with the very real possibility of loosing them soon) it's important to remember that some good will come of this.

And I will always love him.

Aint No Sunshine When He's Gone

Never in a million years would I have guessed he would make me wait all this time.
The kind, caring, sweet man I fell in love with would never have put me through this much pain and uncertainty.
What happend?
Is this the same man?
He looks the same.
He smells the same.
But it can't be the same man. My mind reels when I try to reconcile the two men.

The only thing I can hold on to is the promise I made to myself that one way or another this would end - on or before my birthday. He promised he would not make me be the one to end it. He said that if he found he could not keep his word to be with me he would at least tell me, not make me the one who has to walk away.

There are 3 days till my birthday.

I don't even have the words to say what I feel.

But it's not good.

Brrrrrr.....!

It's cold.
It's really freaking cold.

The wind has been blowing like a mad woman.

I can't think.
I can't write.



How long till summer?