Piercings

Wednesday 26 April 2006, 5:17pm

People do all sorts of things to deal with personal pain and sadness. Go shopping, get a facial, pick a fight, get wasted, drive fast, kick something etc. I find what works best is to inflict different pain on myself.

As a teenager this took the form of self mutilation with just about any sharp shiny object I could find. These days it's a little more refined and a little more socially accepted but it amounts to the same thing.

I just had my lobes increased from 2g tunnels to 00g. The throbbing pain on either sides of my head seems to soothe the pain of my confused and angry heart. The burning discomfort as I do up my helmet blocks out all feelings of loss and hopelessness. The steeled look in my eyes as I grit my teeth hides the look of sadness I've worn all day - that sadness that makes strangers on the street shower you with pity because they can see it so clearly.

I have to get ready for work. A layer of make up to hide my red eyes and handful of hair goop to accentuate my shiny new ears...

Working

Thursday 13 April 2006, 11:35pm (Easter long weekend just started)

There is an unbeatable satisfaction in doing a job you enjoy and doing it well.

Just finished my first solo Ghost and History Tour with Morticia and I'm on a bit of a high. Small crew of just 4 on board tonight but all friendly and happy and really pleased with my work. Instant gratification. Nothing like a bunch of strangers telling you they've had a great time with you to make you feel like smiling.

I love my job!

Remember

Monday April 10, 2006 10:35pm

He showed me unconditional love when I had forgotten what that meant.
He let me love him without fear of reprimand.
He made me feel beautiful when I felt awkward.
He reminded me of strength I'd forgotten was in me.
He made me smile, really smile, after a million years of faking it.

I love him so much.

It hurts.

The Joys of Share House Living

Wednesday 05 April 2006 9:20pm

My housemates are doing my head in.

The ones I thought I knew are irritating me like a borrowed bra, the ones I thought were nuts are actually quite understanding and the ones I thought were mad as a cut snake are proving consistent.

There's changes in the air and I wish it would hurry up and storm already. Storms can be scary but once they're done you can get on with cleaning up the mess. This holding pattern while I watch the storm coming closer and closer is making me nervous, and nervous makes ME a total shit to live with. I'm irritating myself with what a shitty housemate I am but it's like I'm watching myself from a distance unable to change.

I pulled off a phone number from a traffic light today. $165 a week for large room in sunny 5br house Enmore, includes amenities. I won't call but having this number in my pocket is giving me some sort of personal power to deal with the bitch that I've become.

I need a holiday.
I need a pill.
I need to sleep...