Wednesday 3rd May 2006, 8:37am
As I thrash about desperately seeking something to hold on to that will keep me from slipping into this vacuum of loss, I had forgotten some of the good things that came before the pain.
I was in a bad place. My self esteem was at record lows. My head was so ungrounded I didn't know where to begin getting strong again. I was so unhappy. Then I met him and I felt good. Before we kissed, before he wrapped his arms around me, we just met and I felt good again by simply being in the same room as him.
Today I'm still angry, and I still hurt, and I still long to feel the magic that he weaves on my body. But I don't want to forget how good it can be to just have him in my life. Once the anger and pain and longing have gone, I want to still have my sweet, funny friend to count on.
How I wish it could have been different. How I wish we could have been happy together till our time was done. Not this premature abortion of a happiness so new. It feels monstrous to destroy something so beautiful before it has had time to even really exist. But the same strength he renewed in me is the strength that now tells me I can't settle for second best. How pathetically ironic.
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