And I Love Him

The only way I can deal with what my man and I are going through right now is to expect the worst. To hold hopes that all will be well and then have them crushed would be more than I could bear. So the distress that the uncertainty I've been living with has brought has been coupled with sorrow for a lover I expect to loose.

When you're feeling sad - really really sad - sometimes it's easy to loose sight of everything other than the sadness. You can get lost in a mist of whirling tears that leave you disoriented and blind to the other things that are important. Important things like the fact that at the end of the day, what you really really want is for the person you love to be happy.

Yes, I want the person I love to be happy with me, but that's secondary to the fact that I just want him to be happy. And maybe that means that I won't get what I want. Maybe that means I'll get hurt. And if that happens I will be very sad. But I was reminded this week that amidst the pain and sadness of loosing someone (or even just living with the very real possibility of loosing them soon) it's important to remember that some good will come of this.

And I will always love him.

Aint No Sunshine When He's Gone

Never in a million years would I have guessed he would make me wait all this time.
The kind, caring, sweet man I fell in love with would never have put me through this much pain and uncertainty.
What happend?
Is this the same man?
He looks the same.
He smells the same.
But it can't be the same man. My mind reels when I try to reconcile the two men.

The only thing I can hold on to is the promise I made to myself that one way or another this would end - on or before my birthday. He promised he would not make me be the one to end it. He said that if he found he could not keep his word to be with me he would at least tell me, not make me the one who has to walk away.

There are 3 days till my birthday.

I don't even have the words to say what I feel.

But it's not good.