Second Hand Pain

I'm tired of writing about how much this hurts.

But this blogg only gets attention when I can't get anyone else's attention, when I can't hold it in any more. And by it I mean sadness and pain.

Happiness is not something you have to hold in. When your happy, for what ever reason, you can shout about it, share it, revel in it, and people praise you for doing so. When it hurts no one wants to hear about it especially if your pain stems from what is perceived to be your own ill choices. If your happy from your own ill choices people smile and say good for you. No one reprimand you for ill found joy.

I find myself in a very unexpected pain today. It's the pain of a woman I have never met yet I feel I know strangely well. My lovers wife.

My lovers wife is ill. She is going through something I would never in a million years wish on any other woman. And as I sit here silently begging the universe to undo this horrible disease, I am overwhelmed by the guilt I feel for daring to care about her wellbeing. I have loved the man who promised himself to her only, I have wished upon every new moon that some how he and I could be happy together forever, and now I sit here wishing with every fiber of body that she be well again.

I don't think that my wishes have given her this disease. But I do feel overwhelming guilt. I not exactly sure over what. I don't feel guilty at having taken what she no longer valued. I don't feel guilty about being healthy when she is not. I guess I just never felt that achieving my happiness would cause her pain. I have never wish her pain.

But she is in pain. I can feel it though the bonds that tie her to him, then him to me. I know I have no right to, but I will continue to wish her health, love and happiness.

I Try

So we are supposed to not be seeing each other anymore.
I love him, he loves me, but he says it just can't happen.

So I go out tonight with the express intention of doing something to get him out of my head. I find some friends, I drink some beers, I smoke some weed and I set out to flirting my arse off with everyone and anyone.

But I just can't get him out of my head.

I dance, I shmooz, I even have a party pash. NOthing. I try really hard to fake enough interest in some random so that I might be tempted to go home with him. NOthing. I end up playing mother to some friends who will otherwise spend the night in the gutter then I come home and try again not to think about him. I can't help myself.

Some people tell me I can do better. Some people tell me time will heal this broken heart. Some people tell me it just wasn't meant to be. It's just noise to me. All I know is I love him and I miss him and nothing I do makes the pain any more bearable.

I just wish he would come back to me and love me for ever. Is that so much to ask for?

Crash!

Again! I've crashed my Nyx again!
This time no other vehicle involved, just a train rail deciding to force a change in direction. An elbow, a knee, a mud guard, all pretty badly bashed. Fixable and not broken, but sore and sorry.

Don't want to talk about it anymore...

And once again...

I am strong

I am strong &
I am independent

I am strong
I am independent &
I am respected

I am strong
I am independent
I am respected &
I am resourceful

I have to remember this.

The Catch Up Post

As concisely as possible, here's the rundown of what's been happening:

08 & 09 July - moving house weekend, including Sunday removalist truck being a no show :(
15 & 16 July - Blue Mountains, Gearins run with the SCSC. Had a blast despite Chalky's flat tire debarcle, freezing temperatures, and a wicked hangover.
19 July - Was hit by a car while riding scoot.
22 & 23 July - Salma and Gabrielle's birthdays in Canberra.

Haven't had internet at home since the move and have been too busy at the office to maintain my blog. Will need to sort something out soon though as I'm going a little stir crazy without it.

Tish

New beginnings

I hate house hunting. I've been doing it for a little over a week now, sitting through interview after interview trying to gather, from a few short minutes of conversation, enough information to know if I'm going to like these people or if one day I'll awake to find one of them standing over my bed with a pillow on my face. AS is the custom when share house hunting, I've met some freaks, some lovelies, and some that I just don't get. And now I think I've found some that I'm really going to like.

I got the call last night saying we think you're cool and we'd like you to move in and would you like to come to our party tomorrow night. So I said yes and yes I'd love to and as I show up there tonight, low and behold it appears that I was one of three guests of honor. The invite to the party, I'm told, stated we were celebrating a unbirthday, a thesis, and a new flatty.

I think I'm going to like this crew but I also think I'm going to take a little moment to get used to them. Two lesbians and a fag. The fag is a cuty although we seem to have a little language barrier (Korean), it's the girls that are going to be interesting. For a start ALL their friends assume I'm queer. I'm not queer I'm just a deviant. And then there's the whole "my girlfriend's ex-girlfriend's flatmate is going out with that girl who I met through your ex-girlfriend's ex" Which really does take some getting used to.

So I bailed early on the party but I had a good time and it certainly was interesting. I'm pretty excited about Nyx getting a room of her own too. Now I just have to get going on the packing.... joy.

Welcome to the Family

It's been raining for an eternity.

When you live in a drought prone country you sometimes take for granted the endless sunshine that comes with the water restrictions. It's been raining in Sydney for about two and a half weeks and it's driving me insane. The kitchen looks like a chinese laundry with 4 of us trying the best we can to hang our washing dry in a cold damp house.

I picked up my new scooter 12 days ago and today was the first time I've reaally been able to open her up and see what she can do. I thought it best to wait till the roads dried out so that if I did get her up to promised speeds I'd also be able to stop again. I took her down the Gong via the Natio, stopping at Stanwell Tops (Bald Mount) for a stretch and a chat with some very surprised looking speed bikers. They were all strapped up in their full body leathers, colour matched to their bikes, and there I was in my big green parker, riding what looks like a little old scooty but sounds wickedly loud.

I was so sad when I lost Juanita, and even since I got my new baby I haven't been totally convinced that I'd made the right replacement choice. But now that the weather is clearing and we are getting to know each other a little more I'm really really starting to appreciate her.

Named after the godess of night and the daughter of Chaos, I'd like to welcome NYX, black PX200 rides like a demon.

Goodbye Juanita

Thursday 18 May 2006

Eleven days ago some heartless, mindless bastard stole my beautiful baby scooty. Her name was Juanita and she was the most beautiful thing I've ever had the privilege to own. She was a chrome and black study in smooth, sexy style. With a big arse and a flashy front she was exactly what I would like to be if I was a scooter.

She was insured, so the tangible, dollar value loss will not be huge, but I loved this scoot. From the day I picked her up that Monday 1st November 2004, to that awful Sunday 7th May 2006 when I realized she was gone, we were together almost every day. We traveled to Woollongong, Canberra, Jambaroo, Dubbo, South West Rocks and everywhere in between. She made friends with strangers everywhere we went, and I met some amazing people through her.

I need new wheels and with the insurance money I'll get some in no time at all. But I doubt anything will come close to my first scooter love. I can't get a new Aprilia Mojito 150cc because they don't make them anymore but even if they did, it just wouldn't be the same. I'll get something else, and I'll love it for different reasons but nothing will ever replace my Juanita.

I miss her so much.

He Didn't Just Make Me Feel It Was OK To Be Me, He Made Me Feel It Was Good To Be Me...

Wednesday 3rd May 2006, 8:37am

As I thrash about desperately seeking something to hold on to that will keep me from slipping into this vacuum of loss, I had forgotten some of the good things that came before the pain.

I was in a bad place. My self esteem was at record lows. My head was so ungrounded I didn't know where to begin getting strong again. I was so unhappy. Then I met him and I felt good. Before we kissed, before he wrapped his arms around me, we just met and I felt good again by simply being in the same room as him.

Today I'm still angry, and I still hurt, and I still long to feel the magic that he weaves on my body. But I don't want to forget how good it can be to just have him in my life. Once the anger and pain and longing have gone, I want to still have my sweet, funny friend to count on.

How I wish it could have been different. How I wish we could have been happy together till our time was done. Not this premature abortion of a happiness so new. It feels monstrous to destroy something so beautiful before it has had time to even really exist. But the same strength he renewed in me is the strength that now tells me I can't settle for second best. How pathetically ironic.

Piercings

Wednesday 26 April 2006, 5:17pm

People do all sorts of things to deal with personal pain and sadness. Go shopping, get a facial, pick a fight, get wasted, drive fast, kick something etc. I find what works best is to inflict different pain on myself.

As a teenager this took the form of self mutilation with just about any sharp shiny object I could find. These days it's a little more refined and a little more socially accepted but it amounts to the same thing.

I just had my lobes increased from 2g tunnels to 00g. The throbbing pain on either sides of my head seems to soothe the pain of my confused and angry heart. The burning discomfort as I do up my helmet blocks out all feelings of loss and hopelessness. The steeled look in my eyes as I grit my teeth hides the look of sadness I've worn all day - that sadness that makes strangers on the street shower you with pity because they can see it so clearly.

I have to get ready for work. A layer of make up to hide my red eyes and handful of hair goop to accentuate my shiny new ears...

Working

Thursday 13 April 2006, 11:35pm (Easter long weekend just started)

There is an unbeatable satisfaction in doing a job you enjoy and doing it well.

Just finished my first solo Ghost and History Tour with Morticia and I'm on a bit of a high. Small crew of just 4 on board tonight but all friendly and happy and really pleased with my work. Instant gratification. Nothing like a bunch of strangers telling you they've had a great time with you to make you feel like smiling.

I love my job!

Remember

Monday April 10, 2006 10:35pm

He showed me unconditional love when I had forgotten what that meant.
He let me love him without fear of reprimand.
He made me feel beautiful when I felt awkward.
He reminded me of strength I'd forgotten was in me.
He made me smile, really smile, after a million years of faking it.

I love him so much.

It hurts.

The Joys of Share House Living

Wednesday 05 April 2006 9:20pm

My housemates are doing my head in.

The ones I thought I knew are irritating me like a borrowed bra, the ones I thought were nuts are actually quite understanding and the ones I thought were mad as a cut snake are proving consistent.

There's changes in the air and I wish it would hurry up and storm already. Storms can be scary but once they're done you can get on with cleaning up the mess. This holding pattern while I watch the storm coming closer and closer is making me nervous, and nervous makes ME a total shit to live with. I'm irritating myself with what a shitty housemate I am but it's like I'm watching myself from a distance unable to change.

I pulled off a phone number from a traffic light today. $165 a week for large room in sunny 5br house Enmore, includes amenities. I won't call but having this number in my pocket is giving me some sort of personal power to deal with the bitch that I've become.

I need a holiday.
I need a pill.
I need to sleep...

My Girls

Wednesday 22 March 2006, 6:37

The older I get the more I appreciate the significance of that word, FRIEND.

When your young and your world is so small, friends can easily be taken for granted. In your limited experience of what the world is all about, the preciousness of friendship has nothing to be compared to and like looking a velvet at night, you just can't see what it is you have.

But as I get older, I'm learning to see what magic it is to find people that for no other reason than just WHO THEY ARE, you love them. Who's very existence is a blessing to this world. People who as your peers make you smile. Not because of the indefinable bond of family, not because of fame or fortune, not because of beauty or desire.... just because of who they are, you love them.

I've been blessed with a handful of such people in my life but non more than my two favorite girls in all the world. One I see so rarely, but my love for her is no less. The other I speak to almost daily and I can't imagine my life without her. They are both very different but they do have some things in common.

They make me laugh, they make me proud, they make me believe that life can be beautiful.



For Dweenie and my Little Star.

Change

Sunday 19 March 2006, 1:17am

I've been looking for change and now it has found me.

I have to pick up and move again and as usual I don't want to. Who would? I hate moving. It's right up there with starting a new job, breaking up with someone, loosing a pet, fighting with those you love... At least I have some warning. Or is that, unfortunately I have months ahead of me to worry about it?

July - I'll be moving in winter. At least the weather will match my mood no doubt. I can hear a little bird whistling in my ear saying, "Come to Perth"

I never feel like I know what to do. My mother has sight and has dreams that tell her what's coming and what to do. I wish I had it. Where should I go? What should I do??

Time

Wednesday 15 March 2006 2:07pm

Time just keeps ticking along. No matter how much we want it to speed up, slow down, go back, it just moves along at it's indefinable pace.

And sometimes I look at all that's happened and passed in the last 12 months or even 6 months and it's SO much. Yet here I am. Not much different, not much has changed.

How do you measure personal growth? How do you even know there has been any? Maybe I'm just flattering myself to think that something has come out of all this. Time ticks on and on and on and maybe it's just human arrogance to think that I'm not standing in the exact same place I was before. My sister likes to remind me that the world doesn't revolve around me, but maybe it does? Maybe it swirls around me, indifferent to my whims, emotions, existence. My body grows old, deteriorating, crumbling like a sandstone cliff and time continues as if nothing.

Others don't stand still. Others have an impact on other peoples lives, on humanity as we know it. Do they feel as insignificant as I?

Fully sick

Friday 10th March 2006, 7:40

Nothing like a bout of illness to reduce you to your basic instinctual self. All consideration for others evaporates as we sulk, and mope, and convalesce.

All I want is a giant box of soft tissues, a cup of tea, chicken soup and someone to pat my head.

Will have to settle for a regular box of tissues, suedoefedrine, and pork sausages.

:(

And again...

Wednesday 8th March 2006, 10:43

When wading through the sea of sadness you sometimes think you've found your feet when in fact it was just a little sand bar, large enough to let you catch your breath but there's still a long way to shore.

I've fallen in to the deep again and I feel so close to running out of strength. I want to roll over and float in the sun. I want to forget I'm drowning. I want to close my eyes for a while, drifting over and under the waves, drifting where ever this sea will take me. It's a dangerous place to be but right now I don't care. Right now I just want to sleep.

Fog

Tuesday 7th Mach 2006, 1:32am

I could start philosophying about the condition of humankind or the intricacies of my reality in the context of our society. Or I could just tell it like it is.

I'm tired, I'm drunk, and I could really do with a shag.

Where to now?

Thursday 2nd March 2006

Didn't we do this already?

Didn't we already go through the life changing sadness and greif and hopelessness that was 'sent' to us to make us stronger?

Christian friends like to remind me that if God will provide for a sparrow, he will provide for me. But you know what, I've seen a lot of dead sparrows around the place - lying half mawled on the side of the road, or on a foot path like yesterdays trash. It would be nice to be offered something a little more reassuring to place my faith in.

Scarlet O'Hara saw hope in the sunrise and the promise that tomorrow is another day. I find that as comforting as knowing that the ocean will always be wet.

So what now? Where do you go from this sad place? Do you follow the same path out of the pit that you took last time? Or was that part of the mess that got you into this sad place? Where the fuck is my heart's owners manual?

It's a new day, it's a new dawn...

6th March 2006 9:11am

Isn't it amazing how suddenly things can change. Where one minute you think you might never smile again, the next something or someone comes into your life and you smile, sometimes inspite of yourself.

Not that the pain or sadness you were experiencing before is forgotten or magically lifted, but sometimes we're remind that our small little pile of needs, wants, and emotions is just that, a small little pile of goo. Despite what our hearts want us to believe we are NOT the centre of the universe. Life as we know it, in the greater scheme of things, will not be cease to exist because we are unhappy. And sometimes things fall in our way to remind us of that.

In the whirlpool of sadness that can catch us and swirl into to the hopeless spin of depression, there is sometimes a branch stretched out to help us that if we just look up we'll see.

This weekend I've had three little branches slow my spin: A little white dog, a hearse and confirmation that a friendship may have survived the pruning off of a relationship.

Thanks to 8Bit, Morticia, and MagicBoy.

Tish

Me me me...

Yeah that's right, this is not one of those interesting, witty, social commentary, designed to make you think kinda blogs. Or one of those heartwarming, full life lived, memoir sharing ones either.

This is one of those writing-is-cheaper-than-therapy, navel gazing, self-obsessed, boring as fuck, poor little me blogs.

So there. Now you can't disappointed.

Tish