The Wind Changed

Sydney in December is full of hot sultry days that bear down on you with the intense weight of megalitres of water suspended in the air, just waiting to turn oppressive humidity into bucketing rain in a wisp of a breeze.

The pressure builds up headaches, grumpiness, discomfort, intollerance, impatience, tears, sadness, loneliness..... or something like that.

You don't always see the change coming. Sometimes the rain catches you by surprise and all of a sudden you find yourself in the pouring rain dashing in any direction to get out of it.

But sometimes you stop. Sometimes you feel the big round pellets of water slapping you on the face and realise the rain is not to be feared and cursed, its' warm and comforting and it's washing way all the bad you've been feeling. Sometimes you take a deep breath and smile when you realise that maybe this was not what you had planned, but that's ok. It will all be ok after all.




He made me cry. He broke my heart and walked away and made me feel so unbearably sad that I couldn't even say his name. Then one night the wind changed. He chased me down the street, called out my name and begged for another chance. I didn't want to hear that. I felt like after all the pain he had just put me through, now he was just going to hurt me some more with a different kind of torture - hope. But I stopped and against my own instincts that tell you to run from pain I stood and I listened. And I found that I did still love him and I did want this hope. This was not what I had planned but maybe it would all be ok after all.

In 6 days we collect the keys to our new home. It's been a long time since I called a place home, other than my mum's place. There are still some difficult steps to get through, but we always new it wouldn't be easy.

It's more than just "being in love". "Being in love" a feeling that comes and goes and wanes with time. What we have is more than that. I love him and he loves me. We're going to remember that and every day take care to nurture our love and build our home.

I'm so excited to start building own my family. And hopefully some day watch it grow.

Silliness

Who would have thought there is so much garlic butter in Japanese cooking? Or that breast can be used to catch raw eggs?

Did you know soup pot's will keep cool even when filled with puke? And veranda roofs look beautiful as you heave a night's worth of tequila down on to them form two floors up.

Guitar Hero is indeed the coolest game ever - maybe because it really does keep you rocking all night long. The best natural upper I've felt in years.

Friends who elope, old friends who flatter you, friends with hot son's who pimp them out to you. Enormous pots of guacamole, turkish toast with butter, late night coffee, dinner at Soul, house parties, cups of tea with your mum, quoting lines from Pulp Fiction, cafe breakfast that lasts for hours and hours and hours.

This has not been the birthday month I would have chosen, but November has been a good month. I'm surrounded by wonderful people who have made me think, made me laugh, and let me cry. I miss my man every day - but I am eternally grateful for those I have around me.

And I Love Him

The only way I can deal with what my man and I are going through right now is to expect the worst. To hold hopes that all will be well and then have them crushed would be more than I could bear. So the distress that the uncertainty I've been living with has brought has been coupled with sorrow for a lover I expect to loose.

When you're feeling sad - really really sad - sometimes it's easy to loose sight of everything other than the sadness. You can get lost in a mist of whirling tears that leave you disoriented and blind to the other things that are important. Important things like the fact that at the end of the day, what you really really want is for the person you love to be happy.

Yes, I want the person I love to be happy with me, but that's secondary to the fact that I just want him to be happy. And maybe that means that I won't get what I want. Maybe that means I'll get hurt. And if that happens I will be very sad. But I was reminded this week that amidst the pain and sadness of loosing someone (or even just living with the very real possibility of loosing them soon) it's important to remember that some good will come of this.

And I will always love him.

Aint No Sunshine When He's Gone

Never in a million years would I have guessed he would make me wait all this time.
The kind, caring, sweet man I fell in love with would never have put me through this much pain and uncertainty.
What happend?
Is this the same man?
He looks the same.
He smells the same.
But it can't be the same man. My mind reels when I try to reconcile the two men.

The only thing I can hold on to is the promise I made to myself that one way or another this would end - on or before my birthday. He promised he would not make me be the one to end it. He said that if he found he could not keep his word to be with me he would at least tell me, not make me the one who has to walk away.

There are 3 days till my birthday.

I don't even have the words to say what I feel.

But it's not good.

Brrrrrr.....!

It's cold.
It's really freaking cold.

The wind has been blowing like a mad woman.

I can't think.
I can't write.



How long till summer?

Running Low on Patience

My patience levels are running low. They are never high at the best of times but right now they are being pushed to extremes.

I find one of the hardest things to deal with is knowing the difference between me being unreasonable and when he is. When am I being a sook and when is he just asking too much?

Is it too much to ask that he calls me when he says he will? What if I know he's not feeling well and I find he'd sent me a text earlier that evening to say he wasn't going to call? At least he texted right? But if he had the time to text he could have just bloody well called for a few seconds, right?

And what about the fact we still don't have a date for moving in together? He said after Christmas, then it was after I get this sorted, and then that sorted, but don't worry it'll be before the middle of the year. But now it's almost the end of May and the middle of the year will soon be here and still we don't have a date, still he leaves me at 4am to go home, still I have to rely on phone calls from him to say goodnight.

I am trying so hard to be patient. I really really am. I said I would be and I'm trying with all my heart and soul to trust him and be patient. And after all, why wouldn't I trust him? He rides in the wet and the cold to come see me. He comes out with me to parties even when he's sick as a dog and would rather be in bed. I know he loves me with all his heart, I know he does.

Am I being irrational? Or is he just asking too much? I feel like we are at a make or break point. If we can make it onto the path we're aiming for, if we get to move in together and start to build a life together I think we will be amazing. But I fear that the longer we wait here at the starting blocks, the longer it takes to get started, the more we risk just falling apart.

I'm so scared that we'll fall apart before we get a chance to begin. I will never forgive myself if we don't give "US" the chance we deserve. But I also know I don't have the patience to wait forever and this waiting game is killing me.

Rain Rain go away...

It just rains and rains and rains....

Last week driving up to the Hunter there was so much water everywhere, all the creeks had burst their banks, sheets of water covered fields and more than once driving was impaired by lack of visibility from all the rain.

It's stopped now though. And not a moment to soon. It feels like months since I've been on a big ride and I miss it.

I'm finding myself with a lot of time on my hands this month. And with all the rain and no riding I feel like there been a lot of blank days with not many stories to tell. I have no one to blame for this but myself. Riding is not the only thing I do. People often say I'm a creative type yet I haven't created anything in ages. In part this is from feeling a little like I'm in a holding pattern but really that's no excuse. I got a program from my man to manipulate images but I haven't learnt to use it yet. We went to see the Archibald but I've done no drawing or painting myself. I've not done any sewing, crafts, decorating, or ANYTHING in ages. I need to shake up, wake up, get off my arse and move.

Tomorrow I will get up. Shower. Get dressed and do my make up. Then I will make a list of things that make me happy and thing that I need to do.

The rain has stopped and there are no more excuses for staying in bed.

Well FUCK You Too!

I'm upset.

I'm shitty, I'm angry, but more than anything I'm just offended.

I got sacked today. This is the first time I've ever been sacked and it's for the most stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

Last week, my favourite mistress quit. She just walked in, cleared out her locker and left. I asked why. I asked if she had told anyone. She had no answers. She just said she'd had enough and after hearing stories of what had happened to other girls who had quit, she decided to take no chances and disappear without a word. Unfortunately the Boss didn't seem to see the logic in this. She seamed to be looking to me for answers as to why the mistress quit and when I had none, she decided I must be holding out on her. So bye bye miss Tish, we don't need that kind of backstabbing here thankyouverymuch!


Maybe I missed something. Maybe there's something else to it too. I don't know since the Boss sent her side kick to deliver the message instead of telling me herself. What ever the reason, this is the end of my leasurly days of tea and Crime TV. I'll miss some of the girls. I'll miss some of the clients. I'll definately miss the money.

The Children

I spent a few days up in Cooranbong with Mabel and the kids this weekend. Joshi had a school excursion to Australian Reptile Park and when his mum and dad told him they couldn't come with him he burst out crying. Joshi doesn't cry often about things like that so Mabel did the first thing a good parent would do - she called an Aunty to come help.

Josh, Jie and I got the school bus from Joshi's school to the park. Jie isn't in school yet but he is still allowed to go with his brothers to this sort of thing.

Joshi is so self sufficient it's difficult to imagine him caring weather or not he had a grown up there with him or not. He's cheeky and mischeivious and clever and quick. He already knows the names of almost all the animals and just about every fact I can think of quizzing him about them. He pays attention to the animal presentations and asks funny and relevant questions whilst all the while wiggling and playing on the fence. He's happy to run off on his own or include me or his brother or classmates in his adventures. I see him almost like an old man given a boys body to play in again. I guess this is what people mean when they describe someone as an old soul. Joshi is a beautiful soul.

Jie is a spirited little thing too. Tempered by being quite little still and also the youngest but he's still got a very strong character. He can be playful and sweet or grumpy and moody in equal measures. He's fun to be with but I think he will be a lot more fun as he gets older. Unlike Joshi, his dark moods can last longer but I think a little self discipline will go a long way there and I'm confident his mum will teach it to him.

Jakie on the other hand is quite different to his brothers. He is such a sensitive little thing but he tries to cover it with a facarde of blustering bossiness which just makes it worse. I guess with his brothers being such strong characters, maybe he feels that he has to do this to assert himself over them? I'm not sure but I do know that his combination of bossiness and sookiness is not appealing and that's from someone who already knows him and loves him. I worry that he's not doing himself any favours when it comes to making friends. I saw him in the playground with the the boomerang he brought for show and tell. He showed it to some friends but when they asked to hold it he smiled and said 'No!' turned his back on them and walked away. The little thrill he might be getting from be withholding will only last as long as he has 'something' that the others want - and then what?

But I love all of them. They are such wonderful little people and they are my family.

It makes me think about what my children will be like. Will they like my nephews? Will they be like them? Will I instinctively know how to help them be the best they can be? Will I stuff them up more than help them? Will I still remember what it was like to be that age?

We climbed up a steep hill, Mabel and I and the kids. And at the top there was this beautiful flat rock where you could stand right on the edge and look down. And I was so terrified that the kids would fall, but at the same time I could remember the sense of awe and invincibility that I felt years ago when I found a rock just like this and stood on the edge, looking down on the world below like I could do anything! I couldn't let my fear - rational or otherwise - deprive them of that feeling. You can never get it in exactly the same way when you grow up. So I watched and fretted and tried to draw their attention to the little details like the colours and the textures, hoping that if they paid attention to that they might also notice how close they were to the edge and not get too close.

Working 9 to 5

We are a long way from the 9 to 5 grind of working at the bank now, aren't we?

Today we have a slave in at the Kastle, Simone. She's come in to do the floors, the carpets and a few other bits and pieces around the house. The only slave I've ever met who does floors in full length black dress and pearls, but then again she is the only slave I've ever met.

We had a couple come in earlier to hire out the dungeon. They've not been here before so it was great for them to have a helpful slave around who was more than happy to show them where things where and how to use the hoist. It sounds like the life of a slave is more varied than I first thought. Who would have guesses that such unexpected helpfulness would have been rewarded with an invitation to join the fun?

She's now been rewarded for the house work by being tied down in the front dungeon. I checked in on her and she looks happy as can be, hairy balls exposed through panties and all.

Earlier today we got a call from Danny. He has a thing about collars and discipline and wanted to tell about it. Mistress was busy with something at the time so I chatted to him for almost an hour, sharing details of my school uniforms too. Interesting fetish.

Today is the busiest it's been since I started here and I have to say it's much more fun when there's things going on. Right now the two girls are doing a golden shower on a client. They must be enjoying it since I can hear happy sounds coming from up there.

Now if only this paid more than Wonderbus, I'd be quite happy that the whole bus thing will be out of action for a while.

Working with Women

I feel like I have worked in quite a few male dominated industries. Certainly female tour guides are few and far between. At Aus Post there were barely a handful of us. And even in banking or wine sales there were definitely more men and men in higher positions than women.

It's an interesting position I find myself in now that I'm in a women only work environment. The energy is VERY different and I find myself in a distinctly different footing. I remember this feeling from when I was doing my traineeship at Tosolini's. A feeling of wanting to be respected by them. I guess I care a lot more what a bunch of women think of me than a bunch of men.

With men I know how to tease them and coax them into liking me and opening up to me. A handy skill which has often meant they've taught me and helped me in ways they weren't even aware of. With women I want them to like me and open up to me but on my own real merits, not just because I stroke their egos.

I am enjoying this new challenge. A house full of sex workers who's job it is to be dominate and humiliate men. These girls know what it is to have someone sucking up to them. I'm pretty certain they aren't going to mistakenly think I'm trying to do that. But for me it is still a challenge to be in such a different environment to what I'm used to. From Wonderbus and Destiny Tours to receptionist at The Kastle - who would have thought?

www.wonderbus.com.au
www.destinytours.com.au
www.thekastle.net.au

That Niggerly Itch

There is sunshine today. Thank god for SUNSHINE!!

Miserable rain has been falling on Sydney for what feels like an eternity. The roads are flooded, the house is leaking, and I haven't been to the beach for way too long. But today there is sunshine and the world feels like a better place for it.

I'll see my Viejito today too. Things are progressing slowly with us but progressing nonetheless. We are not living together yet which I would have liked but sometimes these things can't be helped. I will be patient for now and trust that the things that need to happen will happen.

I was looking through some photos for the National Scooter Rally we attended a few weeks ago. Sometimes I see us for a second how we must appear to others who don't know us. Sometimes for a spilt second I can see why some people just don't get us. But then I try to imagine myself with someone else, someone who fits the mould closer to what would be expected as a partner for me. And I can't imagine anyone who comes close to making me laugh like my man does, or who makes me smile or feel as good as he does. It might not make sense but it works. And anyone who doesn't like it can just deal with it.

But there is something else on my mind. I can't put my finger on it but there is something that is bothering me like a mozzie bite on your hand. You can't quite see it, and sometimes you're not even sure it's there but you find yourself scratching and being irritated without even realising you're doing it. I don't think it's work, I don't think it's love, it's something small that is playing on the back of my mind and won't come forward or disappear till I find it.

I hope what ever it is surfaces soon. When I feel like this all I want to do is consume. Drugs, food, money - whatever, I just want to go all out when I feel like this and I'm in no position to be indulging in any at the moment.

But today there is sunshine and for today nothing will bother me. I'll see mi Viejito and go for a ride in the warms and soak up as much of the city in summer I can, just for today.

Home Again - Sydney

I was expecting the post holiday blues to hit me soon after arriving back from Chile, but I think I've been spared.

In part I'm sure it's cos I've been working every opportunity I can and thus haven't had time to even scratch myself. Partly I think it's cos I'm happy with my Viejito, planning our future together and getting things rolling bit by bit. Part also has to be having seen so much of my family of late, I had missed them all so much. But in part I think it's also that I really do LOVE Sydney.

I love riding the streets at night taking in the sights and sounds of the city. I love the surly wait staff that you forgive as soon as they turn to you with a smile and a joke about how fucked up they are. I love the beaches all cream coloured sand and emerald and sapphire water with red stripped backpackers collecting skin cancer for souvenirs. I love watching the river cats skimming under the bridges, silently slinking their human cargo from shore to shore. I love the familiar strangers that you know, who you've seen for years, that make up the city as much as any skyline.

And I love having friends around me here.
Lance with his eccentricities, and his boyish tinkerings. He stayed up playing with my scooter the other night and when I rode her the next day it was like a new machine. Allan and Amber who greeted me like old friends the first time I met them, have proved to be fun and welcoming. Tash is like an alternate version of me. We are very alike and very different at the same time and I'm loving hanging out and getting to know her better. Andy, 2Pies, Marcelo, Alffie, Siobhan and all the other usual suspects are still here and they still make me smile and laugh.

It feels so good to be here.